FINAL Post #8--Parenting

Wholehearted Parenting. Joseph Pearce writes: “What we are teaches the child more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Amen!

Daring Greatly: Post #7--Work and School

Re-humanize work and school. Leaders are those who hold themselves accountable for finding potential in people and process. It’s not about position but attitude and behavior. Leading in a culture of scarcity—“never enough”—is tough. Fear of failure and rejection inhibits innovation at school and work. “Blaming, gossiping, name-calling and harassment are all behavioral clues that shame has permeated a culture.” Often kids are shamed at school about something they created (writing, drawing, art, etc.) and it can scar them for a LONG time. Same at work.

Daring Greatly: Post #6--The Gap

Mind the Gap. “The gap” is the distance between our aspirational and practiced values. We often say one thing but do another, and that creates a credibility and vulnerability value gap. Parents and bosses lose credibility when the say-do gap is large.  When our practiced values conflict regularly with our cultural values and aspirations, disengagement is inevitable. Engagement doesn’t come from compliance but from connection, love and vulnerability.

Daring Greatly: Post #5--Vulnerablity Armor

Vulnerability Armor: “Vulnerability is the last thing I want to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.” A scarcity mentality leads to shame, comparison (with others), and disengagement (pulling away). An “enough” mindset brings a sense of worthiness, boundaries and engagement. When we were kids, we started to build shields to protect ourselves. Bravado, perfectionism, being cool, critical and more became our armor—the wall we put around ourselves—our protective mask, a persona. Some ways we armor up:
a.    Numbing is an addiction shield (anything to dull the pain of being "less than"): Workaholics, alcohol, drugs, sex, eating disorders, bullying, violence, even suicide. Setting up boundaries helps us deal with the numbing of trying to be everything to everyone, all the time.
b.    Cynicism, Criticism, Cool, and Cruelty are shields used to protect us from vulnerability: Name calling, putting others down, being too cool. These are all defenses against being seen as vulnerable. Mean-spirited folks hide behind the cruelty shield. Pointing out flaws in others is ultimately a dead giveaway that we’re hurting.

Daring Greatly: Post #4--Shame Resilience

Shame Resilience. To be fully engaged (wholehearted), you have to be vulnerable—resilient to shame.  To become shame resilient, we have to name our shame and reach out to others with it—get vulnerable—and then shame dissipates. Shame hates the light of day. Shame resistance comes with speaking about shame, reaching out to others, understanding shame triggers. Self-love and compassion help us greatly. Blame is a defensive shield we often put up to discharge our own discomfort. “If blame is driving [the car], shame is riding shotgun.” To become shame-resilient at work: 1. Need leaders who have honest conversations; 2. Root out shame in the organizations; 3. Make people feel normal by giving them examples of how others also had difficulty; 4. Teach people how to give honest, constructive, engaged feedback.

Daring Greatly: Post #3--Gremlins

Gremlins: Our inner voice, our “shame tapes.” Our biggest critic is ourselves.  Guilt—I made a mistake, I’m sorry.  Shame—I AM a mistake. Only sociopaths don’t have shame! We’re wired to be connected, and shame is fear of losing that connection. We often lose our courage to do the right thing to preserve social acceptance. Shame categories include: Body image, money, work, parenting, health, sex, aging and religion. Mental pain, physical pain, and social rejection feel the same
to the brain, based on neuroscience.

Daring Greatly: Post #2--Scarcity

Scarcity: Looking inside a culture of ‘not enough.’ “You can’t swing a cat without hitting a narcissist!” We see a dramatic rise in egomania and narcissism in our country, and our response is to cut it down. But egoism comes from shame, so shaming it doesn’t help and only fuels it. Narcissism is most often a shame-based, scarcity fear— I’m not {smart, attractive, lovable, worthy…} enough. Kids grow up thinking that if they’re not great or extraordinary, they will be “less than” and unworthy of belonging. Such thinking causes shame, comparison, and disengagement—a dangerous trifecta.

Daring Greatly: Post #1--Overview

Overview. Teddy Roosevelt’s speech, “The Man in the Arena,” talks about the critic and the man fighting in the arena and how ‘daring greatly’ beats back the voice of the critic—our  inner voice. By ‘daring greatly’ we dare to try, fail and try again; we beat back the inner critic—shame—our own personal gremlin that says, I’m not {smart, attractive, lovable, worthy…} enough. On the other hand, wholehearted people are willing to try—to be vulnerable, to live life with courage, connection to others, and compassion. Brene Brown teaches us that to be vulnerable is not weakness but courage—‘daring greatly’ in the arena of life. “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences.” If we’re not willing to be vulnerable or to fail, we’ll never learn, create, or innovate.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Gotham Books, 2012) by Brene Brown, reviewed by Steve Gladis, July 2014

Positive Leadership: Post #7--Diverse Teams

Diverse teams win. Consider how distributed are people along strategy, influence, relatedness, and execution for best team~Gallup's research http://t.co/QIq0pXTd6N

Posiitve Leadership: Post #6--Focus on Bigger

Focus on something bigger than yourself. Research by Lyubomirsky says that when people focus on something bigger than themselves, they get happier http://t.co/QIq0

Positive Leadership: Post #5--Goals

Set challenging goals and make them attainable. Research supports that people like attainable but tough challenges but terms like "strectch goals" confuse them http://t.co/QIq0pXTd6N

Positive Leadership: Post #4--Champion for Direct Reports

Become a champion for your direct reports to help them become their ideal selves--Richard Boyatis' research http://t.co/QIq0pXTd6N